Trying to find my voice and resist the urge to slip into someone else's

I stared as if through a window at the laundry being set to dry; silk sheets billowing like sails meant to carry us, but never making it off the clothesline. Stuck, like  precious stones in the rocks of an abandoned mine. And for all my talk--I've been shouting at these stones to take a walk, "Break free! Break free!" But they won't listen to a word I say. I guess that's the nature of a stone, anyway. But if it never leaves the cave, it can never know how bright it was meant to shine.

Did you see me as I was passing by? Did you notice that strange look in my eyes, like a man who's been fighting for his life, his whole life, and nothing but his life? It's not a good look, but it's mine, and I wear it with as much pride as I can muster. One day I hope to look back and see a person I barely recognize. I hope that I'll be kind, and good, and loving. I hope that I'll have a family of my own, instead of latching onto everyone else's. It's not that they mind. In fact, most of them like me pretty well. It just isn't mine. When it comes down to it, I will always be a second priority. And that's as it should be. It's just hard when that's all you know. You know?

Like Shooting Stars

It starts with the one thing I know how to do
Indulging myself with the torture of thinking of you
And all I know is that this could be
The thing that takes you away from me

For all I know I won't be here that long
Get out of this town like they say in the song
But all that I'm hoping is that it's not true
The one things that takes me away from you

And all we know is who we are
And all that we wish for like shooting stars
Reminds me of all the trails that brought us here
Then they burned up in the atmosphere

I will

I will never give up
Nothing I could do would ever be enough
To make me think that I'm just too late
I will always be the first one through the gate

If it takes all my life to find you
I will find you just the same
And if I ever start to despair
I will cling to the hope inside

No matter the price
I will find a way to survive

I will find a way to survive

Disjointed but connected

It's been a long time coming
Coming and going here or there
There was something about your eyes
I couldn't even look away
Away from here
Here I go again
Against the wall with nothing but the shirt on my back
Back to this
This is all it ever is
Is this a good time to ask you a question?
Question everything
Everything's a mess
Mess this up, and it's no more chances
Chances I've never taken anyway
Anyway, I guess it goes to show
Show respect, or never know
No idea where to go
Go to sleep, it's all we've ever known before
Before I go and spell it out
Out of my mouth again
Again and again, the same old story
Story with the same old ending
Ending is always the hardest part
Part of me just wants it to go on
Well, on to the next one.

Sometimes all you need to do is put the pen to the page

I've felt for a few years now like I had lost my voice. I wrote twelve songs in twelve weeks, but that was four years ago, and since then I've written about two songs, maybe three. I don't know why I've been so blocked. I've done a lot to try to figure it out. This blog was a part of that at various points, but here is the number one thing that I have learned, and it only came about because I have nearly completed writing a new song recently, and I've been working for about four months now with no luck before the breakthrough.

Write Without A Plan

I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who can have an idea for a song, and write a perfectly good song out of that idea. I'm not one of you. When I write, I literally have to just listen to the music, and write one word, and then another, and then another after that without any idea what the song will be about. I wrote one of my favorite lines in a long time just because I thought it'd be cool to write a fast chorus kind of reminiscent of Relient K. (The line, btw, is, "Between you and the thought of you, I'll always pick the latter." It's good, right? anyway...)

I tried for a while recently to write songs that expressed my feelings about the two relationships I was in in the course of the past twelve months, and while I was able to get some feelings out, nothing of any quality ever came from it. Also, side note, I managed to really upset one ex-girlfriend, and alienate at least one other friend, though that friend never approached me about it, and I had to hear second-hand, which is even worse. So that's another part of trying to write with a goal in mind that just doesn't work for me.

When I look back on it, that's how I've always written. My first songs weren't about anything in particular. I mean, they had themes that were pretty obvious, but they were never about situations. Do you know why? Situations are small. I don't want to write about small things. Small things don't really make a difference. Maybe I'm just here to entertain, but I've never looked at it that way. That was very apparent in Stand Your Ground, when our band had a message, but even in Some Might Say, when our biggest message was to have fun and stay young, my lyrics were laced with themes of inclusion, and forgiveness, and not holding grudges. I didn't really do that on purpose. It just came out of me.

So that's my big epiphany this week. It isn't, "Write what you know." It's simpler than that. Just write. Let one word follow another, and when you've put enough words together, take a step back and relax. You did it.

Then tear it apart, because editing is a whole different story.

Perhaps the road was better left untaken this time

If I ever did you wrong, or hurt you, please forgive me
That "if" is so rhetorical, I know.
I get so caught in my own point of view

For every time I thought that I could just ignore you,
Say I knew better and let's move on
Please don't just discount me like you clearly want to

I'm not sure if I can be a better person
I'm not sure if those were better days
All I know is that I'm trying hard as ever
Even harder since you and I parted ways
Even more than I had thought, since we have parted ways

I don't pretend that if we tried to start things over
I would be any better than before
I don't propose that that's our forward course of action
I don't want another romance to become a chore
All I want is my friend back.
That's it.
I miss you is all.
Nothing more.