Disjointed but connected

It's been a long time coming
Coming and going here or there
There was something about your eyes
I couldn't even look away
Away from here
Here I go again
Against the wall with nothing but the shirt on my back
Back to this
This is all it ever is
Is this a good time to ask you a question?
Question everything
Everything's a mess
Mess this up, and it's no more chances
Chances I've never taken anyway
Anyway, I guess it goes to show
Show respect, or never know
No idea where to go
Go to sleep, it's all we've ever known before
Before I go and spell it out
Out of my mouth again
Again and again, the same old story
Story with the same old ending
Ending is always the hardest part
Part of me just wants it to go on
Well, on to the next one.

Sometimes all you need to do is put the pen to the page

I've felt for a few years now like I had lost my voice. I wrote twelve songs in twelve weeks, but that was four years ago, and since then I've written about two songs, maybe three. I don't know why I've been so blocked. I've done a lot to try to figure it out. This blog was a part of that at various points, but here is the number one thing that I have learned, and it only came about because I have nearly completed writing a new song recently, and I've been working for about four months now with no luck before the breakthrough.

Write Without A Plan

I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who can have an idea for a song, and write a perfectly good song out of that idea. I'm not one of you. When I write, I literally have to just listen to the music, and write one word, and then another, and then another after that without any idea what the song will be about. I wrote one of my favorite lines in a long time just because I thought it'd be cool to write a fast chorus kind of reminiscent of Relient K. (The line, btw, is, "Between you and the thought of you, I'll always pick the latter." It's good, right? anyway...)

I tried for a while recently to write songs that expressed my feelings about the two relationships I was in in the course of the past twelve months, and while I was able to get some feelings out, nothing of any quality ever came from it. Also, side note, I managed to really upset one ex-girlfriend, and alienate at least one other friend, though that friend never approached me about it, and I had to hear second-hand, which is even worse. So that's another part of trying to write with a goal in mind that just doesn't work for me.

When I look back on it, that's how I've always written. My first songs weren't about anything in particular. I mean, they had themes that were pretty obvious, but they were never about situations. Do you know why? Situations are small. I don't want to write about small things. Small things don't really make a difference. Maybe I'm just here to entertain, but I've never looked at it that way. That was very apparent in Stand Your Ground, when our band had a message, but even in Some Might Say, when our biggest message was to have fun and stay young, my lyrics were laced with themes of inclusion, and forgiveness, and not holding grudges. I didn't really do that on purpose. It just came out of me.

So that's my big epiphany this week. It isn't, "Write what you know." It's simpler than that. Just write. Let one word follow another, and when you've put enough words together, take a step back and relax. You did it.

Then tear it apart, because editing is a whole different story.

Perhaps the road was better left untaken this time

If I ever did you wrong, or hurt you, please forgive me
That "if" is so rhetorical, I know.
I get so caught in my own point of view

For every time I thought that I could just ignore you,
Say I knew better and let's move on
Please don't just discount me like you clearly want to

I'm not sure if I can be a better person
I'm not sure if those were better days
All I know is that I'm trying hard as ever
Even harder since you and I parted ways
Even more than I had thought, since we have parted ways

I don't pretend that if we tried to start things over
I would be any better than before
I don't propose that that's our forward course of action
I don't want another romance to become a chore
All I want is my friend back.
That's it.
I miss you is all.
Nothing more.

Don't rhyme every time...

So it is once again the weekend. Happy Easter. I have been thinking about what to post here this weekend, to kind of kick off these weekly talks. Lucky for me, no one reads this, so I can go on about whatever I want. I had thought this weekly post would be more about substantive things, but I suppose stylistic things are good to talk about from time to time as well. So, this week's topic is just going to be about writing. Specifically, I want to talk about

Rhyming

It seems simple, right? Poems and songs rhyme. That's just a part of what you do when you write. Of course, it's not that simple. First of all, some really great poems don't rhyme. I've had friends over the years tell me that they hate rhyming poems, because they sound trite. I've gone through phases of my own where I both praise and denigrate rhyming. These days I see it simply as a tool. When something rhymes, it makes your brain kind of latch onto it. It's a great memory tool, and just in general fun to do. It is entertaining for readers and listeners.

So why wouldn't you want to rhyme? Well, it's surprisingly easy to choose the wrong rhyme. Certain words just feel cliche when you rhyme them, and sometimes if you stick too hard to the rhyme, it can convolute your message. Since one of the goals of good writing is to clearly communicate your message, this would make rhyming a bad idea in some cases.

I'm not going to offer examples of bad rhyming. You can look through my past posts and find plenty of examples, both good and bad, if that's what you're looking for. And the truth is, it's all subjective anyway. As with any art, there are things that are generally considered good, and the opposite is true as well, but in the end, if your end product communicates the idea or feeling that you were trying to portray, then whether or not someone else likes it is completely on them. It's important to listen to criticism, but it's also important not to get so caught up in making everyone like your work that you lose your unique voice.

So just remember when you're trying to decide what rhyme to use, or whether you even want to rhyme:
Does this word choice help convey the feeling or idea that I'm writing about, or does it just sound like I needed a rhyming word?

Boy, talk about meandering...

I just want to get to that place where things are okay
Where you and I can look at each other without wondering
Where we can be friends, or not, but know that we only want the best for each other
I just want to get to that place
But I have no idea where it is
I can't find it on any map
My GPS just laughs at me
As it spouts, "Location Not Found"

So I wander through these streets at night
I still can't seem to fall asleep
And think of you and me, and what might have been
But never will be
It isn't like I don't know what happened
But that doesn't mean it isn't confusing
And it isn't like I thought it was wrong
But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

If you ever speak of me, I hope it's kindly
If you ever think of me, I hope it's not unpleasant.
I'll give you that same courtesy
And as I think of you time after time
Your memory will fade
Like an old pair of jeans
Or a Polaroid in the bright sun.

Back to square one

If I'm just a simple speck--a dot in space and time
And if between the two of us I drew a solid line
I might complete the triangle of you, and me, and God
But here I am at square one, and I think myself a fraud
I run in all these circles, and I never seem to tire
But lately plans are taking shape
And starting to catch fire

On the merits of a good salad

My lunch is always rushed, but still a most important meal
I always will attack it with a high amount of zeal
I've found a way to eat a lunch that finally makes me feel
More energized than sapped
More satisfied than simply tapped

Some lettuce forms the base of things, romaine is really best
Some green bell peppers and some tomatoes can add some zest
A certain type of sweetness comes in with a few blueberries
And cheese is necessary
Salad without that? Be wary

I also like some carrots, if I need a little crunch
Abd I will sit and on my salad diligently munch
But soon enough the clock will call an ending to my lunch
Container tossed away
It's time to get back to my day

With the overwhelming folly of a boy who never knew better

I always had envisioned this a safe haven; a place where I could write of feelings disconnected from my everyday life. I had always envisioned this as a safe place. But of course, like the things before, I took to the platform amid my own hurt, and it projected beyond what I had anticipated, and before I knew it, I had hurt one of my closest friends. I considered for a long time deleting this blog. I considered what it would mean if I did. I thought, "Maybe I'll just delete those posts, or hide them," and honestly can't remember if I did that or not.

The truth is, I was hurting very much, and confused, and in all honesty, I haven't moved too far from that place. I'm still hurting, and still confused, and it may show up again in the things that I write. I can honestly say that the things written here reflect my state of mind far more than they reflect actual events. If I'm lost, or confused, it will show. If I'm angry, in all likelihood I will anger someone. If I'm hurt, I have the distinct possibility of hurting someone else. I had always considered this a safe place. I get maybe 5 views on anything that I don't share to Facebook, and now that I deleted Facebook, I expect 5 will be a high point for anything I post.

So if I have hurt you and you haven't told me, I apologize. I understand at least one of you mistakenly thought that my ramblings in rough-hewn verse were meant to be taken personally, and though I don't know who you are, again, I apologize. Unlike past platforms I've had in younger and decidedly more passive-aggressive years, it was never my intention for anything on this site to hurt anyone else.

But I plan to move forward, and continue writing. I took a break to really dive in to who I am, and where my focus is. I wanted to really know if this thing was worth doing, since it turns out I definitely did have the capacity to hurt someone through it. But in the end, writing is a part of who I am, and sharing it publicly is a large part of what I would like to do.

So if you have enjoyed my posts in the past, I hope to get back to that point. The rust is real, and as people, we are ever-changing; I am no exception. Expect more exposition, but not less verse. More varied topics, and probably a few studies in different forms. The goal is to bring you something every day, but focus on the weekends. And with that, I leave you for tonight. Sleep well, and wake to a brighter morning.

Tag in G

Holy, Holy Holy
We will praise Your Name, O Lord
With our hands held high in worship
You're the only one our hearts adore
We praise you, Jesus

It's through these tears that I cry out
A brand new song I never wanted to sing
You always know that the truth comes out
But not the hurt that it brings

And when the curtain comes down
There's only you and me, and me and you
And what could I ever say?
I could never say the things I wanted to

I used to be so sure
Now I don't know anything
I'm not even comfortable in my own company anymore
It was never like that in the past.

I have better friends now than I have for most of my adult life. I have people who genuinely care about me, and want me to find happiness, to grow, to mature. People who I can lean on, and confide in. I think I've just hit a new place in my life, and I feel like I ought to be somewhere else. Physical location is a big issue. I need to find a new apartment, but I don't know how I'm going to pay for it.

Love is a serious four letter word right now. Like, romantic love. I've got all kinds of love for my friends and the people around me. I get frustrated sometimes, but I can't really think of anyone in my life at the moment that I look at and say, "I can't stand that guy." Maybe one, but even in that case, it's not that I can't stand the person, more that the person is a bit much sometimes, and I think we've all been there.

I pray a lot lately, and this one thing the most: God, teach me to trust  you. It's on a sticky note in my wallet, and it has slowly been changing my life. As emotional as this rant may be, it's not even coming from a place of despair or hurt. More from a place of confusion, because I can't see what's happening. I don't know how to move forward. I barely know how to put one foot in front of the other. I have a lot going on in my life, and I feel like I'm not ready for any of it. But God will pull me through. Of that I'm sure.

I guess that's all for now. This isn't really what I do on here, but tonight I guess it is.