Twice a week is better than nonce a week.
---
I used to be alone
But now it's just me
We used to talk on the phone
But now it's just tweets
And I @ you, but you act like you don't know me
I keep thinking "If only.."
Maybe that's why I'm lonely
And the truth is that the truth isn't so rosy
Like a kid in an oversized cozy chair
Feeling safe 'cause I know you're there
That you're just in the next room over there
Well I'm over it. No repair, like a watch that won't tell time
A careless rhyme, but the meaning is still there all the same
And when I close my eyes I still say your name at my bedtime prayers
Pray to God that you find the happiness you deserve
Pray that one day I'll see you and not want to stare
Then I open my eyes
And I just lay there

That was Monday. It's now Thursday.

Sometimes when I don't know what to write, I just kind of start going, you know? I feel right now as if I'm giving an interview on VH1. I'm not sure why, but that just popped into my head, like a "Behind the Music" thing, and I'm sitting there in a comfy chair with medium-length curly hair and some round wire-rim glasses going on about my "process". It's funny how our minds will take us places we didn't expect to go, and yet our minds are us, so how did I not expect to go there? It'd be like if I got up to walk to the kitchen and found myself in Ohio. My feet just took me somewhere I didn't expect to go, that's all. But anyway, all that and I'm just getting started.

Can you tell me what I'm going to do next?
You know better than I
Can you tell me if I'm going to live happily?
Do you know when I will die?
Do you know what lies before me
Or do my choices form the path?
Is it set out in stone, or something less firm?
Am I doomed from the start, or allowed to learn?

How should I now what to do?
All that I am is in You
All that I have or could ever attain
You are the one that I call for by name
You are the one that I love
All that I have been, I am, and I will be
There is no substitute. I want You only
You are the one that I love

Was the best man in a wedding this weekend. Didn't have time to think, much less to write.

I feel unfulfilled.
I feel empty.
I feel the need to fill that emptiness with something.
I know I'm supposed to feel complete in God.
I pray.
I read my Bible.
I skip a few days sometimes.
I live comfortably in the knowledge that God isn't going to abandon me for messing up, or even really be mad at me.
I don't know what I'm missing.
Am I not loving hard enough?
Am I not following well enough?
These can't be the answer, because if it were about me living up to God's standards, I would never feel anything other than this
So what is it?
Who am I?
Who should I be?
How do I get from one to the other?
I'm not looking for a shortcut
I just want to know where the path begins.

I don't even know what to say other than this is going to be hella awkward.

We pretend to be friends, but it's not working
I can see how it ends, and it's not working
All of these thoughts got my mind hurting
Slowing me down 'til I stop working

I know that we ended on good terms
So why ain't I feeling these good germs
Instead all I'm getting are slow burns
My friends and your friends, we take turns

I always learn more in a flashback
I just don't have time to react fast
My body's so slow on the backlash
I'll tell you the truth if you ask

Were we really ever friends?
Is this real shit?
Tell me how the story ends
Can you feel this?
Cut it into overdrive
Moving faster
Finally taking over my
Slow disaster
Avoid the capture
Feel the rapture
"How?" you ask me

Know the password?

The tension is rising, like waves on the sea, and how much do you really know about me? Or I about you? Is this all going wrong? Did you think of a way to continue this song that we've sung to each other as long as we could, and remembering nothing except when it's good, so for all that is holy, keep singing to me, and I'll try with all fervor to learn how to be the one in the drivers seat, come on, let's race, but I'm always so scared of the endings we chase. Is it all going quickly? It looks like a blur, or is that just my eyesight that fails to endure. Like my mind, it's fatigued, like my thoughts become dark. Is there any way out of this terrible arc? So I slow to a crawl, and I reach out my hand, and I cling to the first thing that looks like dry land in this shipwreck we've made of our time here together. But I know just how much you hate talking about the weather.

Making up time

Forget what you heard about me
I'm not that guy anymore
I thought I could be someone else
And in the process, changed myself
So who you knew is just not me
I'm someone else now
It's not who I thought I'd be
But it's more real than that.

If I ever move to LA to start a punk band, this will be our first song.

My tongue is in my cheek and my foot is in my mouth
How could I say anything without it going south?
So I'll pack up my bags, and I'll follow it down
Now I'm risking everything to make it here in Tinseltown

Movie's almost over. It's a quarter to ten
I'm so freakin' lazy that I'll watch it again
It's always the same story, and I know how it ends
But I just can't break the cycle or the rut that I'm in

So before you go
Take one last look at me

Here we are again we ended up at the start
Now you're taking with you all that's left of my heart
I'm finally breaking down, but no, I won't fall apart
And everybody tells me that it's not very smart

But before I go
Take one last look at me

Is it okay if I see things differently than you?

I feel like you have to answer "yes", but is that really what you want to say?

Follow me down to the end of the road

I'll show you what it means

To take a leap of faith

To take control

I'll show you what it means

To lose yourself in something else is the only way to find it

Given my lack of ambition, it's not surprising I never made it very far.
But is it too late now?

Call it human nature
Call it what you will
As long as we're together
I know I feel it still
And if we ever parted
I hope we never will
I'd go back where I started
And start back up that hill

Because everything we went through
Just couldn't be for naught
I know we're better off now
But all we ever sought
That happy ever after
That fairy tale we dreamed
And look at where it got us
Just look at where it got us

I know I feel things deply
And over-think them, too
And now with both out of the way
I know it's not just you

I deserve much better
Than "Yeah, I guess it's time"
When I ask if I'm we're together
And I say I'll make you mine
So until I get to find her
I'll remember what we had
For the good times that it offered
And the ways you made me glad
That I have this whole expeirence
That we both waded through
But oh, thank God we avoided
Just a tragic me and you.

Worship

Take my life
All of me
I give it up
I let it be
All to You
My saving grace
All to You my God

Take my life
All I am
Adopted son
Of Abraham
With Your Blood
Born to be
With you in eternity

I must confess my love is less than perfect
You alone deserve this worship
Still I offer it to You now
And in this moment all I want is You

"Did it ever occur to you that this isn't what I wanted?"

Honestly, it hadn't. She was everything I had ever dreamed of and, somewhere in my mind, I always just assumed that meant we were supposed to be together. Sure, it wasn't easy, but people will tell you that nothing good ever is. I'm still not convinced I believe them.

As I sat on the front porch, completely dumbfounded by her words, she left to get a glass of water. I wasn't angry. I wasn't even sad. "Shocked" would be a more appropriate term, but even that wouldn't really cover it. When you invest so much of yourself in a relationship, and then come to the complete realization that it was never meant to be, you can really only describe yourself as "okay." At least that's how it was for me. I always said I wanted what was best for both of us. It just turns out that this is it.

I got up just as she opened the door to check on me. We shared an awkward hug, and a couple of meaningless words about seeing each other soon, or having a good night; I honestly don't remember. And then I left.

When all else fails, I've figured out
A way to stick around
For if you think of me
Then in your thoughts I can be found.

If all we know is what we've known before
How will we ever get back up when we fall down, and not ignore
The facts about the situation now
And how it all is just a memory now
Just a memory now
And memories can't keep me off my feet now
Because of you and me now

And it's time I'm moving on
So I'll leave you with a song
And if you like, then sing along
Because we finally stumbled through

This one goes out to you.

Come on with me, let's take a stroll, and see how far this rock and roll will take us. Will we reach the end? Will we find what remains hidden? Will all the doors just open up, the way they did when we were young? Or will we find a battlefield. No song is new. They've all been sung. The market's flooded now, you know. There's really nowhere left to go. No avenue left unexplored. No striking verse. No unplayed chord. But still, I think there's something left, a place that never lost its charm. The truth is that it's simple, but the truth is never safe from harm. Its power lives inside its own indignant stubborn refusal to give in to what is "in the now", or compromise to win a few more "likes" or "shares" or "double taps", and now this rhyme is dated, but with all my timely references, there's nothing that's related to more closely than a personal touch; a detail of my own, maybe a past experience, or just a solemn, wistful tone. I can't explain the power truth can bring. I just have to try to bring it in consistently, and never let it die, and so the truth is that I want this thing to work the way I plan, but my computer screen stares back at me, as blankly as it can.

So now I've filled the page with words that echo from my mind, and leave them here upon the page for all of you to find.

Behind the glass

Behind the glass, we feel like we are free
As long as we never get close enough to touch
A slight reflection makes us start to see
Only a little, but it never starts as much
The world around me spins in its own circles
The people live their lives of quiet fear
And no one will believe a word I tell them
About the day the barrier appeared
They tell me that I'm crazy, that I see things
They whisper worse into each other's ear
Not one will make the journey out here with me
"A waste of time," they tell me
"There's nothing" over here
I long to touch the edge of my existence
Belief becoming fact with one caress
But as I reach my hand out, doubt engulfs me
And suddenly I want that less, and less
I pause, only an inch from where I saw it
The truth of all of it within my reach

And there I will remain for all the age
Alone, and but an inch from my cage

I've come to understand the truth that our relationship was terrible.
But I have to believe that I tried, and I did try.I gave everything I had.
I faced unpleasant situations.
I pressed into conflict in order to resolve it and not just ignore it.
I loved you with everything that I had.

I knew you didn't love me the way I loved you, but I believed that you wanted to. Maybe that's true.

And now that I know it's not you, all that I want is to find her, wherever she is. But I still don't want to hurt you, or trivialize our relationship. I don't want the sideways glances that come when you jump from one relationship to the next.
Luckily, I don't have to worry about that anyway, because it's not as if there's a line of girls dropping hints...anymore.

I left them all behind for you.

Challenges

We've faced trials before, both separately and together. We may not be together now, but that doesn't mean we're weak. Our strength comes from God, and we will never be defeated.

Calling all of the angels watching over me. I need a favor if you could
I'm walking into a dangerous situation, and I need to know what is good
Will you give me a sign that I'm going where You're leading me
Give me a glimpse at what's real
I don't want to go if You're nowhere in the thick of it
But I don't want to stay here concealed

It's all up to me to make the moves
But I need to know I'm following You
Take me down the path I'm supposed to go
But how am I supposed to know?

Free to live

In all my years, I've never really truly given up hope that one day I'd be married, successful, have my own kids, and leave a lasting mark on the world.

In springtime, every flow'r believes its beauty is unending. In the autumn, every leaf reveals its shade of color, too. In the winter, snow is glistening in its brilliance without equal. In the summertime it's our turn to announce ourselves to you. We are the seekers and the wonderers. We wander to and fro. Our desire never quenched by all our unforgotten woe. We continue ever onward, as we dance, or skip, or twist. Every ending leaves us hopeful for the next thing on our list. If you see us, you may recognize a look we tend to share that says either, "Wait and see where I am going," or, "I'll take you there!"

Could it really be that all of this was for nothing? We both learned so much. I felt like I was never enough. You felt like I was just too much.But that's it. It's over. And now here I am, starting over yet again.

Call me a cliche, and I'll agree, but this meant simply everything to me.

We had our good times, and they left me speechless. I only wish I could have shown you what you mean to me.

We'll both move on, have other loves, and though I'm gone, I'm still thinking of you

So, what next? Do I keep on loving you? I can't just forget. I can't help the feeling I'm not finished with you yet, but we both turned around, said goodbye, and walked away. We're both moving on, getting stronger every day. 

My Messy Room In Rhyming Verse (Trust me, it gets even worse)

The trash if full, but the can is small
I'd like a can that's rather tall
Some clothes are on my bed, and while
They're folded, still I feel that I'll
Just have to tell you that, well, um
A plate is on them, and a crumb
Is sitting on that plate and staring
At me as I'm just preparing
To tell you of the towels, or
The rest of my clothes strewn across the floor
The dirty ones have made the hamper
So, Hurrah! And yet a damper
On my victory, for look
I seem to see a dirty sock
That somehow missed its intended target
And, how did it get so far? Get
Back into the hamper, sock
And no longer my vict'ry mock
But even the hamper sits out of place
Right in the middle of my "open space"
And next to it, more clothes to fold
This talk of clothes is getting old.
Let's move along now, if you will,
To all the junk on my window sill.
See, I don't have a bedside table,
And when I'm tired, I don't feel able
To put a thing where it belongs
I simply place it among the throngs
Of fingernail clippers and backup glasses
Cups, and scissors, let's look past this.
But before we look too far,
We'll come across the first guitar.
I say the first, because yes, they're two,
The instruments that stare at you
As you stare blankly from the door,
Just wondering, "Could there be more?"
"Of course there can!" comes the reply,
"There's lots to go in this pig sty."
The closet I will cover quickly:
Boxes, books, and shirts. Ignore the
Second bag of trash you see
And if you'd focus here on me,
I'd like to show my work of art,
A desk that's but half took apart.
A record player without its speakers
Pens and pencils, piles of sneakers
A skateboard, leaned against a chair
But no one will be sitting there
For on it lies a paper sack
Two sweaters--no, three! Suspenders (black)
And even more, the mess goes on
A box of books from Amazon
A heating pad, for my back's easing
(or perhaps for when it's freezing)
And to keep the place all classy
Original artwork by Kate Massey

There's more I haven't yet recounted
But the length of this account did
Prove to be an inspiration:
Perhaps I'll clean my habitation.

Art

I write so infrequently now. I'd like to change that.

The canvas was blank. There was really only the one way to see it. Blank. Empty. Nothing there. That's what I was looking at when I stared at the white sheet in front of me. But it wasn't what was really there. No, what was there was much more interesting. A reflection of everything coming into it, but not just a reflection. No, what I was seeing was diffused, mixed together, all compiled so tightly into each speck of that canvas that it shone back as a mixture of everything, every color the eye could see. The beauty, the pain, even the darkness was there underneath the surface, just waiting to have its say. An entire whirlwind of feelings and colors, highlights and shades, all just bursting forth in such fullness the eye couldn't even begin to take it all in. It was then that I became aware of my job as an artist. I was there not to create beauty and emotion, but to choose what marvels to reveal to the viewing eye, and just simply cover up the rest.

A Prayer for ________

I started writing tonight, but it became intensely personal, and not something for the public eye just yet. Maybe down the road, when it isn't so timely. But here's an excerpt:

I pray for you when I wake up, and when I go to sleep. Not that we'll be together, though I have asked about that at least a few times. Still don't know what the answer is. But no, I pray that God will guide your steps through this life. That you will grow closer to God, and that you would have an unshakable faith. I pray that you will begin and end each day knowing that you are loved by God and by so many people. I pray that you would be strong; that you would hear from God always, in every major decision in your life, and in the everyday, normal ones, too. I know you're going to do amazing things, and I hope to be around to see them, no matter what that looks like between us.