Boy, talk about meandering...

I just want to get to that place where things are okay
Where you and I can look at each other without wondering
Where we can be friends, or not, but know that we only want the best for each other
I just want to get to that place
But I have no idea where it is
I can't find it on any map
My GPS just laughs at me
As it spouts, "Location Not Found"

So I wander through these streets at night
I still can't seem to fall asleep
And think of you and me, and what might have been
But never will be
It isn't like I don't know what happened
But that doesn't mean it isn't confusing
And it isn't like I thought it was wrong
But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

If you ever speak of me, I hope it's kindly
If you ever think of me, I hope it's not unpleasant.
I'll give you that same courtesy
And as I think of you time after time
Your memory will fade
Like an old pair of jeans
Or a Polaroid in the bright sun.

Back to square one

If I'm just a simple speck--a dot in space and time
And if between the two of us I drew a solid line
I might complete the triangle of you, and me, and God
But here I am at square one, and I think myself a fraud
I run in all these circles, and I never seem to tire
But lately plans are taking shape
And starting to catch fire

On the merits of a good salad

My lunch is always rushed, but still a most important meal
I always will attack it with a high amount of zeal
I've found a way to eat a lunch that finally makes me feel
More energized than sapped
More satisfied than simply tapped

Some lettuce forms the base of things, romaine is really best
Some green bell peppers and some tomatoes can add some zest
A certain type of sweetness comes in with a few blueberries
And cheese is necessary
Salad without that? Be wary

I also like some carrots, if I need a little crunch
Abd I will sit and on my salad diligently munch
But soon enough the clock will call an ending to my lunch
Container tossed away
It's time to get back to my day

With the overwhelming folly of a boy who never knew better

I always had envisioned this a safe haven; a place where I could write of feelings disconnected from my everyday life. I had always envisioned this as a safe place. But of course, like the things before, I took to the platform amid my own hurt, and it projected beyond what I had anticipated, and before I knew it, I had hurt one of my closest friends. I considered for a long time deleting this blog. I considered what it would mean if I did. I thought, "Maybe I'll just delete those posts, or hide them," and honestly can't remember if I did that or not.

The truth is, I was hurting very much, and confused, and in all honesty, I haven't moved too far from that place. I'm still hurting, and still confused, and it may show up again in the things that I write. I can honestly say that the things written here reflect my state of mind far more than they reflect actual events. If I'm lost, or confused, it will show. If I'm angry, in all likelihood I will anger someone. If I'm hurt, I have the distinct possibility of hurting someone else. I had always considered this a safe place. I get maybe 5 views on anything that I don't share to Facebook, and now that I deleted Facebook, I expect 5 will be a high point for anything I post.

So if I have hurt you and you haven't told me, I apologize. I understand at least one of you mistakenly thought that my ramblings in rough-hewn verse were meant to be taken personally, and though I don't know who you are, again, I apologize. Unlike past platforms I've had in younger and decidedly more passive-aggressive years, it was never my intention for anything on this site to hurt anyone else.

But I plan to move forward, and continue writing. I took a break to really dive in to who I am, and where my focus is. I wanted to really know if this thing was worth doing, since it turns out I definitely did have the capacity to hurt someone through it. But in the end, writing is a part of who I am, and sharing it publicly is a large part of what I would like to do.

So if you have enjoyed my posts in the past, I hope to get back to that point. The rust is real, and as people, we are ever-changing; I am no exception. Expect more exposition, but not less verse. More varied topics, and probably a few studies in different forms. The goal is to bring you something every day, but focus on the weekends. And with that, I leave you for tonight. Sleep well, and wake to a brighter morning.

Tag in G

Holy, Holy Holy
We will praise Your Name, O Lord
With our hands held high in worship
You're the only one our hearts adore
We praise you, Jesus

It's through these tears that I cry out
A brand new song I never wanted to sing
You always know that the truth comes out
But not the hurt that it brings

And when the curtain comes down
There's only you and me, and me and you
And what could I ever say?
I could never say the things I wanted to

I used to be so sure
Now I don't know anything
I'm not even comfortable in my own company anymore
It was never like that in the past.

I have better friends now than I have for most of my adult life. I have people who genuinely care about me, and want me to find happiness, to grow, to mature. People who I can lean on, and confide in. I think I've just hit a new place in my life, and I feel like I ought to be somewhere else. Physical location is a big issue. I need to find a new apartment, but I don't know how I'm going to pay for it.

Love is a serious four letter word right now. Like, romantic love. I've got all kinds of love for my friends and the people around me. I get frustrated sometimes, but I can't really think of anyone in my life at the moment that I look at and say, "I can't stand that guy." Maybe one, but even in that case, it's not that I can't stand the person, more that the person is a bit much sometimes, and I think we've all been there.

I pray a lot lately, and this one thing the most: God, teach me to trust  you. It's on a sticky note in my wallet, and it has slowly been changing my life. As emotional as this rant may be, it's not even coming from a place of despair or hurt. More from a place of confusion, because I can't see what's happening. I don't know how to move forward. I barely know how to put one foot in front of the other. I have a lot going on in my life, and I feel like I'm not ready for any of it. But God will pull me through. Of that I'm sure.

I guess that's all for now. This isn't really what I do on here, but tonight I guess it is.