"Do you want to spend your life looking backwards?"

I looked at her as if the question had come from her lips, but she hadn't spoken. She was just sitting there next to me in the front seat, in the parking lot of the place where she worked. I told her I would drop by later, and she seemed happy enough about that. After I left I turned off my phone and my GPS, and made the first wrong turn I could find. It wasn't the first time. I must have driven for the better part of an hour by the time I stopped. I looked around, and was pleased to see not one familiar landmark. There were cattle grazing in the field to my left, and a fairly steep drop to the right. I sat on the guard rail, and just took it all in. There was something therapeutic about it, sounds and smells and sights all mingling together to form the prescription that I had so desperately needed. I didn't go see her that night. I didn't go see anyone. I would have slept on that guard rail if I wouldn't have frozen. She never called to ask where I was, and I never told her. Somewhere in the back of her mind, I think she knew, and I hoped she was proud of me. I was finally looking up, and what lay ahead seemed marvelous.

There was a time when you and I made the world stand still
There was a time when nothing could keep us apart
There was a time when I lost myself in your brown eyes
That time is gone now, replaced by a new era
The new beginning that comes with each ending
Whether it will be better is entirely dependent on me
I can no longer rely on you for happiness
Maybe that was too much to put on you in the first place
Maybe it wasn't fair. Maybe it was unkind.
All I knew was that I wanted you forever
And you wanted goodbye.
That's the way of things sometimes.
The old passes, and that's what happened to me.
Now you've moved on, and left me here.
Did I deserve it? Maybe
Can I handle it? Definitely not.
But I will.
I will come out stronger. I will be better for it.
This is now, and I will be here until the next new beginning.

Empty. 10 days and I've gone completely empty. I have nothing to write, and no reason to continue writing, except that I told myself I would. It's not as if I shouldn't have anything to write about. My life is filled with its usual mix of highs and lows, and several uncertainties. None of them translate into experiences that I would like to share, or feelings that I would like to convey though. Apparently this is all you get from me today, and the reason I didn't post anything yesterday.

There is no sound but the soft hum of the laptop in the room. I sit in my chair, rocking slowly back and forth, staring at the souvenir cup which has long been empty, eyes going in and out of focus, which is more than can be said of my mind. So, what I lack in focus, I make up for in effort. Maybe if I throw enough words at it, the problem will fix itself. Monkeys on a typewriter. Is that enough, though? If I write one masterpiece, will it stand out among the piles of mediocre work I present to the world? Perhaps. Perhaps not. It matters little. In the end I write because I can't do anything else. I can't be anything else. I write because not to write would be inconceivable. So, whether it is loved or hated, it is mine, and it is me. That will have to be enough.

Everything I'm writing tonight is awful. I won't subject you to it. Here's a haiku instead.

putting words to page
tap tap tap, nothing's coming
select all, delete

There was a time when I looked at life from the other side. A quiet boy, with a few friends and a good heart. I thought I would grow up, go to college, get a job, and somewhere in that mix, I thought I would fall in love. I did all of those things, but didn't finish any of them. If I had seen what I would become when I was a boy, I would have shied away from me. The child I remember would not have gotten a tattoo, or lived in a van with four other guys for months at a time, literally singing for his supper. That boy was destined for great things. He didn't wear combat boots, and always had skinny arms. He was pushed around a little bit by the bigger boys, but there was always someone smaller, so he never bore the brunt of it. He was mean sometimes, but not often. But even though he was generally a good little boy, he didn't understand why. He had never had to deal with the death of a friend. His heart had never been broken. He had never seen the looks of distrusting parents, pulling their children closer, and whispering as he walked by. He didn't understand what it cost to be nice, because to that child, it cost nothing. He was the son of middle class parents who loved each other. He had never known what divorce could do to a person. He didn't always have everything he ever wanted, but he never went without. Society accepted him, because they were like him, or they wanted to be. Somewhere along the way, that child experienced all of those things, and more. Instead of a life of averages, his life became one of extremes. Love and loneliness. Joy and pain. Laughter and tears. I often think that I'm better for it, but that boy might disagree, if he could see me.

If you and I were like two peas in a pod, I'm afraid that something would be rotten. Don't pretend you've forgotten, only to bring it back up again later. I hate the way you keep me holding on, wondering if this thing between us will ever be gone. I don't even want it anymore, but now I'm addicted. I just can't get enough. The pain of being without you is just too tough, so here I am. Back for another round. Another night of thinking it will all be okay. There's just no way to understand what you do to me. I can't control myself. I thought it was love, but it's like I'm a toy that you put on the shelf. If it were up to me, we would just cut ties, and quit with the lies that we've been telling each other. I know you'll never be mine. I know the ship has sailed, and I watched it from the shoreline. I know, but there isn't anything I can do.

She waited in the corridor, unsure of why she had been asked here. I knew the secret, but was forbidden to tell her. I may have made it seem a bit more serious than it was, but this job has very few perks. Who could blame me for having a little bit of fun with the new girl. I was in the room and had just begun to inform the boss that she was here when it happened. The force of the blast threw us all to the floor. I immediately reached for my weapon, only to realize that it wasn't there. It wouldn't have done me much good anyway. Whenever an operative is placed on escort duty, that operative is not allowed to carry a loaded weapon. I opted to leave mine in the barracks today. I focus and look around me. People are shouting orders and running around, some to protect the boss, some to investigate the threat, and some to alert the rest of the compound. I was useless for any of those tasks in my current condition, so I did the only logical thing I could: I returned to the corridor to stand guard over Alysanne.

As I stepped through the door, the sun nearly blinded me. In the seconds in took my eyes to adjust, I barely detected the sound of footsteps. Not the heavy boots or leather soles of those in the room, but muffled. The first thing my strained eyes caught a glimpse of was a shoe, lying on its side underneath the bench in the hall. The second thing I saw was a flash of reflected light. Just as my sight came into focus, I saw a mischievous smile, and a trail of wavy brown hair as she disappeared around the corner. She obviously wanted me to follow, and I wasn't about to disappoint her. Each time I turned a corner, there she was at the next, waiting. Fifteen minutes I chased her, until I turned the corner, and she was nowhere to be found. Cautiously I approached the first door in the hallway. Taking a moment to catch my breath, I examined my options.

I kicked the door in and backed away momentarily, attempting to retain the cautious attitude that had kept me alive for the last 13 years. There was only silence, and the slight groan of the hinges as the door came to rest. The next two doors were the same. As I was preparing to turn the corner, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Startled, I spun wildly, and would have knocked Alysanne to the floor, if she had not been expecting exactly that. She deftly maneuvered around me, and, before I could regain my footing she tackled me. As I hit the floor, I rolled and when the dust settled, I had her pinned under my body weight, and rendered helpless. I looked into her eyes to determine what the purpose of all of this was, and saw only the same sly smile I had seen before.

A flash of light and a sudden pain were the last things I remembered before waking up in my bed, my alarm clock buzzing, announcing the end of my adventures, and the beginning of a new day. Perhaps I will see her again tonight, and this time I will be ready.

If I could give you just one piece of advice, just one note of encouragement for life. If I could express just one more thought before I'm done, and afterward move on, and let this be our parting, I would tell you that no matter how good you are, there is always someone better. There is always someone more dedicated than you. I don't tell you this to discourage you, but to keep you humble, and to keep you competitive. If you are the biggest fish, it is only because your pond is too small. If you become content with this situation, you will never rise to greatness.

I've already missed a day. Not off to a great start.

I'll trade my heart for a piece of your soul, and both will live on, making each of us whole. The piece that I've gained is the peace that I lacked. In fact I don't even miss the control. I've waited for years just to find something bigger, and thought that I had it, but thought was the trigger that shot up my heart, but I patched it for you. I know it's not healthy, but I hope it will do. I've known love before, and it's not what I expected. I've known love before, and also rejected. I'd lie there perplexed. It just didn't make sense. She told me forever, we swore that we'd never give up on each other, but two months went by, and somehow forever turned into goodbye. I would lie on the floor in my room all alone, because the bed was too big in my big empty home. It's going on four years since all of that happened, but since, nothing has ever made me feel so alone. I say all this to tell you how important it is that you either accept this, my heart that I give, or reject it right out, if your doubt makes you waver, because I have a very strict policy: "No Returns." If I'm yours, it's completely, no treaties or terms.

Song in progress, expect short updates for a bit

I take a walk almost every night to clear my head
I'm always looking to find the missing pieces
That I left here the night I walked away

It is a long and a lonely road I travel on
But it's truly become where I belong
Now I finally believe my own words
When I say it's for the best

New Year, New Post

Expertly written exposition isn't what I do
It's all too true that what I write might just be point of view
It's rare that where I stare will grant the scantest bit of vision
Yet still I will continue, while within I think of you.