Round two

Some secrets are better left unsaid. I remember you staring straight ahead, like you just couldn't even make sense of my words. You heard me, I know you did, but it's like your mind went into shutdown. Were you trying to numb the pain, or just numb from it? I know you'll overcome this like you always do. I wish I could do it with you, but I think that ship has sailed, and I wasn't on it. I leave because it's just too hard. You think you're the only one I hurt, but it's just not true. I hurt myself, too. You'll never know how much I loved you, and how long I waited for you to come around, but even before now, it's like you were always somewhere else. I didn't mind when your mind wandered, but I always wondered if you thought of me while you were away. I thought of you every time I slid that key into the lock. I thought of you every time I walked away, and nothing in the world could make me feel better about this. You can call it addiction, or just say I liked the attention. You can claim I couldn't love you and still do this to you, and most people would agree with you. I'm a monster, and most people should agree with you. You were my world, and now I'm left an alien in a world that's no longer mine. I know you'll be fine. You always were the strong one.

Has it really been a year since we said goodbye? I still remember the way you used to smile. I remember looking into those eyes and wishing they were mine. I can't believe we never got it right. I know there were mistakes enough to go around, but they weren't all mine. We stated out on rocky terrain, and that was you. I learned to live on rocky terrain and that was you. You were always out looking for the next good time, and I was always sitting in my room thinking of words to rhyme with time and coming up with lines to make people move, not on the outside, but on the inside. I never tried to hide from what I thought we could have, but you were always so cryptic. I used to think I'd win you with persistence, but I didn't even know it when it happened. If you happen to read this, please know that I regret nothing. What we had was strange, and it wasn't always good, or good for me, or for you for that matter. If I ever had her, it was only for a short while, and even then it was never clear. I'll never be here again, so there's no point in asking why. It's all just a matter of time. It's been a year since we said goodbye, and I've grown a lot, and I hope you have too, but you'll never be forgotten.

I've never seen your face in this light before, the way the sun streams right through your hair, giving it almost a glow to outline your face. It's like one of those old paintings, and you're the saint. I've seen your eyes a thousand times, sometimes with too much makeup, other times with none at all, but always full of light, no matter what the circumstances. Now the light is paying its own tribute, and even with your eyes closed, it knows that you'll get the message, subtle, but bringing the faintest brightness to your otherwise darkened world. You lie there with such serenity it's hard to believe you won't ever get up again. As the monitors beep out the rhythm of life, I touch your hand one last time before I have to go to work. They covered all of my shifts except this one so that I could stay by your side. It's only four hours, and then I'll be back. I squeeze your hand, wishing with everything in me that you'll feel it and open your eyes to say goodbye, if not with words, then with a nod and a smile, but you just lie there. I look at your hand as I steal the warmth from it. If you were awake you would complain to me that my hands are too cold, like you always do. I hope you don't mind this time. I'll be back as soon as I can. Four hours, that's all.

I look back one last time as I open the door to leave, looking for something, some kind of sign. Four hours. I'll be back then.

NxP...

Let's go! Give me something to make me want to stay. Broken pieces and fractured dreams are all you left, but they led me straight back, and here I am, collecting all your promises collecting dust in rooms we never used, and we both know that honesty has always been an awkward look on you.

I'm not trying to make you come clean, I just want you to know this: This will be the last time I come crawling back to you. I won't make you change your mind. I'm not trying to make you change your mind.

Let's not pretend like this was personal. I was just a game, and you forgot the goal. I'm taking over. I'm gone.

I know you think that you know better, but you don't seem to understand the difference between breaking hearts and breaking down.

I'm not a product of your fantasy. I'm just a slave to its design. And you act like you don't notice the way that you've been holding me back, but I'm breaking free from all the lies you told. I've never been so happy to let go.

This was personal. I'm not just a game, and now you've lost control. I'll take it all, and I'm done.

Twenty-Seven Years

Okay, seriously

Twenty-seven years

I believed in myself when I had no one else
To believe in
I kept thinking that I could find a way through this life
And nothing could keep me from there
But somewhere along the way
I discovered that settling
Is easier than dreams
Something made me change my direction
Something told me it was best for me

Now it's been
Twenty-seven years, and I'm back where I started
I'm prepared to attack
Nothing holding me back
I'll be everything I wanted to be

---

I'm gonna stop there. This sounds like a shoddy off-off-off Broadway musical. It's an idea, though. Maybe I'll work on it.

A brief, but poignant love poem

Every time I think of you
It makes me want to puke

Burnt out
Closed down
Consider this when you consider me
Take in
All this
Consider it when you could be free
Is this what you want?
Am I worth the time
Or the effort?
It won't be easy
And I don't make promises
I've broken too many before
All I can do
Is warn you away
And lock up my hope that you'll stay

Truly bad writing

I woke up in my comfortable chair
Drank some coffee, and I wished you were there
But I don't even know who you are
I've been content to wait and see if you appear
It's nothing to pretend that I'm alright

Another day without you
Another night alone
I'm waiting for the day I find you
Waiting when I get home
Another week it passes
Months turn into a year
If I'd get off my ass
I might run into you out there

It's easier to wait here
Pretend that no one cares
I claim I'm being patient
It's hard to say I'm scared

Another day without you
Another night alone
Another week it passes
With me waiting by the phone
The silence watches with me
As no one makes the call
But no one is exactly who
I expected all along

Utterly Uninspired

I need to break this cycle

Of longing for what's lost

Or worse, of longing for what's never been

I hate the way it makes me

Though sometimes it leads to good

When I turn it into words for you to read

I know this thought is scattered

As I'm writing to you now

No rhymes or punctuation to latch onto

The meter fluctuates

But for the most part remains steady

And the message could be best described as "lame"

But to me it's always worth it

When I finish what I start

Though I usually can't make it past a week

When I'm writing every day

I eventually spark

An idea that's worth sharing with the world

And so I keep on writing

Even when I'm not inspired

And hope that you'll forgive me in the long run

Farewell Juliette

"Come with me," she said, as she was walking backward through the crowd, somehow managing to avoid bumping into anyone. She pulled on my arm as I reluctantly followed. Once we were outside, she repeated the plea.

"Come with me. I've always wanted to do this, just walk away from everything and everyone and start over." I just kept staring at her, and the only thought going through my head was that she had never looked more beautiful than she did right now. I don't know if it was the street lamp's reflection in her eyes, or maybe just the fact that I knew this was the last time I would see her. Girls always look the most beautiful right before they walk out of my life. I should probably talk to someone about why that is, but in that moment, all I could do was stare.

She took my silence as encouragement to try harder. "Come on, it's not like you have anything to stay for. You work from home. All you need is a wifi connection. We could find the most boring place in America."

She had this notion that when an area was deemed boring, that's only because it was covered up in secrets and hidden excitement, and so anything mundane became something she fixated on. I had tried to talk her out of this, but the trouble was that she was right more often than not, and eventually I got tired of being proven wrong, and gave up trying. I think to some degree she actually convinced me. At any rate, my pulse had quickened just at the thought of running away.

She wasn't wrong. I had no ties to this town. I mean, I had a couple of friends, but they weren't close, and with social media, I could talk to them just as much as I did now from anywhere in the country. I was almost ready to jump in the car with her, but there was something holding me back. I wasn't sure what it was at the time, but now I know it was just my old friends fear and indecision. They've stuck with me longer than anyone else has, through good times and bad, no matter where I go. I couldn't just bail on them now.

So like I said before, that was the last time I saw Juliette. Like her namesake, we were just too different to ever really make it together, or maybe that's just what I told myself.

In the morning, when I wake

My lips still taste of your name

As if through the night that's all that they desire

To speak of you in wonderment

To speak of you at all

My ears they plead with longing for to hear

My eyes are hardly open

Before restless they become

Searching left and right for just a glimpse

With all my senses longing

I can hardly even bear it

When there's nothing I can do to satisfy

This trembling in my hands, and ever wondering

Wondering why

Wasting Time

Sometimes, when I'm alone, I think of you.

Sometimes, when I'm alone, I wonder what could be

If I had only had the sense to try

Despite the hardships faced

If I had only had the guts to take a chance

Would we still be together?

Would I break your heart the same?

There's no answer to these questions

No resolve

Will I find another like you?

Will she just remind me of you?

Is there any way to keep you off my mind?

Am I still the only one who's wasting time?

I'm Setting My Clocks Forward

Desperate to find
Wondering if I'm just not
Cut out for this type of thing
Losing my mind
Losing is my way of
Getting through life without pain
If you expect it, you're never wrong
And hope's just dreams
In the night we are who we want
'Til the morning
Reminding me that
You closed the door on me
I may be unkind
And maybe you'll find
I'm just not quite prepared to let go
Feelings will fade in time
But time's too slow

Mid-Night nonsense

It's nearly 1AM and I can't sleep. I know I've been ignoring this for quite some time. I think it's about time I come back. We'll see how long it will last..

---

Fate is the same thing as destiny
Sorrow's just one word for pain
Regret is another, and I know it quite well
Like looking through a window at the rain as it falls
But the rain makes a sound as it's landing
A soft pitter-patter on hard cobbled stones
or a rat-a-tat-tat onto tin-covered homes
But a whisper on windows like mine, as it flows
Making paintings from landscapes like Vincent Van Gogh
But the beauty is lost to my eyes
The world is the territory that lies behind
Where you linger in thoughts I've forgotten
Like a dream where you wake up too soon
Though the memory is there, it's like grasping at air
So I sit here and stare at the rain.

I put the pen to paper
But nothing comes to mind
I try to remember what I had with you
But all I remember is just how blind I was
Before you let me know just exactly who you were

I thought I knew what love was
I thought it was you
I was obviously wrong

Do you ever think about me?
About us?
Do you ever wonder what might have been?
Would I be a father now?
Would we have a house of our own?
Would we be happy?
I think we both know the answer to that last one.

I guess I should be glad it fell apart
And truth be told, I am for the most part
And though I blame you for this
I guess I have to thank you as well
Because without you I would never be where I am today
Who I am today
It's all because of you.
And me.

"Do you want to spend your life looking backwards?"

I looked at her as if the question had come from her lips, but she hadn't spoken. She was just sitting there next to me in the front seat, in the parking lot of the place where she worked. I told her I would drop by later, and she seemed happy enough about that. After I left I turned off my phone and my GPS, and made the first wrong turn I could find. It wasn't the first time. I must have driven for the better part of an hour by the time I stopped. I looked around, and was pleased to see not one familiar landmark. There were cattle grazing in the field to my left, and a fairly steep drop to the right. I sat on the guard rail, and just took it all in. There was something therapeutic about it, sounds and smells and sights all mingling together to form the prescription that I had so desperately needed. I didn't go see her that night. I didn't go see anyone. I would have slept on that guard rail if I wouldn't have frozen. She never called to ask where I was, and I never told her. Somewhere in the back of her mind, I think she knew, and I hoped she was proud of me. I was finally looking up, and what lay ahead seemed marvelous.

There was a time when you and I made the world stand still
There was a time when nothing could keep us apart
There was a time when I lost myself in your brown eyes
That time is gone now, replaced by a new era
The new beginning that comes with each ending
Whether it will be better is entirely dependent on me
I can no longer rely on you for happiness
Maybe that was too much to put on you in the first place
Maybe it wasn't fair. Maybe it was unkind.
All I knew was that I wanted you forever
And you wanted goodbye.
That's the way of things sometimes.
The old passes, and that's what happened to me.
Now you've moved on, and left me here.
Did I deserve it? Maybe
Can I handle it? Definitely not.
But I will.
I will come out stronger. I will be better for it.
This is now, and I will be here until the next new beginning.

Empty. 10 days and I've gone completely empty. I have nothing to write, and no reason to continue writing, except that I told myself I would. It's not as if I shouldn't have anything to write about. My life is filled with its usual mix of highs and lows, and several uncertainties. None of them translate into experiences that I would like to share, or feelings that I would like to convey though. Apparently this is all you get from me today, and the reason I didn't post anything yesterday.

There is no sound but the soft hum of the laptop in the room. I sit in my chair, rocking slowly back and forth, staring at the souvenir cup which has long been empty, eyes going in and out of focus, which is more than can be said of my mind. So, what I lack in focus, I make up for in effort. Maybe if I throw enough words at it, the problem will fix itself. Monkeys on a typewriter. Is that enough, though? If I write one masterpiece, will it stand out among the piles of mediocre work I present to the world? Perhaps. Perhaps not. It matters little. In the end I write because I can't do anything else. I can't be anything else. I write because not to write would be inconceivable. So, whether it is loved or hated, it is mine, and it is me. That will have to be enough.

Everything I'm writing tonight is awful. I won't subject you to it. Here's a haiku instead.

putting words to page
tap tap tap, nothing's coming
select all, delete

There was a time when I looked at life from the other side. A quiet boy, with a few friends and a good heart. I thought I would grow up, go to college, get a job, and somewhere in that mix, I thought I would fall in love. I did all of those things, but didn't finish any of them. If I had seen what I would become when I was a boy, I would have shied away from me. The child I remember would not have gotten a tattoo, or lived in a van with four other guys for months at a time, literally singing for his supper. That boy was destined for great things. He didn't wear combat boots, and always had skinny arms. He was pushed around a little bit by the bigger boys, but there was always someone smaller, so he never bore the brunt of it. He was mean sometimes, but not often. But even though he was generally a good little boy, he didn't understand why. He had never had to deal with the death of a friend. His heart had never been broken. He had never seen the looks of distrusting parents, pulling their children closer, and whispering as he walked by. He didn't understand what it cost to be nice, because to that child, it cost nothing. He was the son of middle class parents who loved each other. He had never known what divorce could do to a person. He didn't always have everything he ever wanted, but he never went without. Society accepted him, because they were like him, or they wanted to be. Somewhere along the way, that child experienced all of those things, and more. Instead of a life of averages, his life became one of extremes. Love and loneliness. Joy and pain. Laughter and tears. I often think that I'm better for it, but that boy might disagree, if he could see me.

If you and I were like two peas in a pod, I'm afraid that something would be rotten. Don't pretend you've forgotten, only to bring it back up again later. I hate the way you keep me holding on, wondering if this thing between us will ever be gone. I don't even want it anymore, but now I'm addicted. I just can't get enough. The pain of being without you is just too tough, so here I am. Back for another round. Another night of thinking it will all be okay. There's just no way to understand what you do to me. I can't control myself. I thought it was love, but it's like I'm a toy that you put on the shelf. If it were up to me, we would just cut ties, and quit with the lies that we've been telling each other. I know you'll never be mine. I know the ship has sailed, and I watched it from the shoreline. I know, but there isn't anything I can do.

She waited in the corridor, unsure of why she had been asked here. I knew the secret, but was forbidden to tell her. I may have made it seem a bit more serious than it was, but this job has very few perks. Who could blame me for having a little bit of fun with the new girl. I was in the room and had just begun to inform the boss that she was here when it happened. The force of the blast threw us all to the floor. I immediately reached for my weapon, only to realize that it wasn't there. It wouldn't have done me much good anyway. Whenever an operative is placed on escort duty, that operative is not allowed to carry a loaded weapon. I opted to leave mine in the barracks today. I focus and look around me. People are shouting orders and running around, some to protect the boss, some to investigate the threat, and some to alert the rest of the compound. I was useless for any of those tasks in my current condition, so I did the only logical thing I could: I returned to the corridor to stand guard over Alysanne.

As I stepped through the door, the sun nearly blinded me. In the seconds in took my eyes to adjust, I barely detected the sound of footsteps. Not the heavy boots or leather soles of those in the room, but muffled. The first thing my strained eyes caught a glimpse of was a shoe, lying on its side underneath the bench in the hall. The second thing I saw was a flash of reflected light. Just as my sight came into focus, I saw a mischievous smile, and a trail of wavy brown hair as she disappeared around the corner. She obviously wanted me to follow, and I wasn't about to disappoint her. Each time I turned a corner, there she was at the next, waiting. Fifteen minutes I chased her, until I turned the corner, and she was nowhere to be found. Cautiously I approached the first door in the hallway. Taking a moment to catch my breath, I examined my options.

I kicked the door in and backed away momentarily, attempting to retain the cautious attitude that had kept me alive for the last 13 years. There was only silence, and the slight groan of the hinges as the door came to rest. The next two doors were the same. As I was preparing to turn the corner, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Startled, I spun wildly, and would have knocked Alysanne to the floor, if she had not been expecting exactly that. She deftly maneuvered around me, and, before I could regain my footing she tackled me. As I hit the floor, I rolled and when the dust settled, I had her pinned under my body weight, and rendered helpless. I looked into her eyes to determine what the purpose of all of this was, and saw only the same sly smile I had seen before.

A flash of light and a sudden pain were the last things I remembered before waking up in my bed, my alarm clock buzzing, announcing the end of my adventures, and the beginning of a new day. Perhaps I will see her again tonight, and this time I will be ready.

If I could give you just one piece of advice, just one note of encouragement for life. If I could express just one more thought before I'm done, and afterward move on, and let this be our parting, I would tell you that no matter how good you are, there is always someone better. There is always someone more dedicated than you. I don't tell you this to discourage you, but to keep you humble, and to keep you competitive. If you are the biggest fish, it is only because your pond is too small. If you become content with this situation, you will never rise to greatness.

I've already missed a day. Not off to a great start.

I'll trade my heart for a piece of your soul, and both will live on, making each of us whole. The piece that I've gained is the peace that I lacked. In fact I don't even miss the control. I've waited for years just to find something bigger, and thought that I had it, but thought was the trigger that shot up my heart, but I patched it for you. I know it's not healthy, but I hope it will do. I've known love before, and it's not what I expected. I've known love before, and also rejected. I'd lie there perplexed. It just didn't make sense. She told me forever, we swore that we'd never give up on each other, but two months went by, and somehow forever turned into goodbye. I would lie on the floor in my room all alone, because the bed was too big in my big empty home. It's going on four years since all of that happened, but since, nothing has ever made me feel so alone. I say all this to tell you how important it is that you either accept this, my heart that I give, or reject it right out, if your doubt makes you waver, because I have a very strict policy: "No Returns." If I'm yours, it's completely, no treaties or terms.

Song in progress, expect short updates for a bit

I take a walk almost every night to clear my head
I'm always looking to find the missing pieces
That I left here the night I walked away

It is a long and a lonely road I travel on
But it's truly become where I belong
Now I finally believe my own words
When I say it's for the best

New Year, New Post

Expertly written exposition isn't what I do
It's all too true that what I write might just be point of view
It's rare that where I stare will grant the scantest bit of vision
Yet still I will continue, while within I think of you.